just some thinking out loud about My Grandson

I have just been doing some thinking out loud about an ongoing situation in our family for many years.  We have a grandson who is an addict.  He has lied to us, stolen from us, disrupted family gatherings, and strained family relationships, yet very seldom, if it all, did or does he apologize for any of his actions or try to change.  

His relationship with his mother is problematic. He never had a father figure as a worthy example for him to follow. His father had some serious mental problems, became addicted to cocaine, and finally committed suicide. The ultimate act of selfishness on the fathers part as far as I’m concerned. This left the boy (man) with a definite sense of abandonment.  His mother has not been strong enough to guide him, particularly in difficult times. Now the boy/man uses guilt against his mother and other family members to get the things that he wants without him making any meaningful effort to achieve them by his own effort.  It seems like he feels that just because he is her son and in the family he is entitled to anything and everything that the family has and he wants or needs.  If they don’t give, he simply takes what he wants.

I really am at a loss as to how to handle the situation,  I think his mother has finally come around to the realization that she has the right to a life of her own and should not be required to continue to provide a livelihood for her son, a man, who makes little effort to sustain himself.  After all, he will soon be 27 years old and should be a man, has fathered a son of his own (who is without his father in his life), continues in his addictive behavior, and still wants and expects to be cared for as if were still a child and needs to do little other than play. 

One of the major factors of the dissension within the family is that his grandmother has decided that he is entitled to food and shelter and some financial support just because he is her grandson,  I don’t have any problem with that, if the man were trying to provide for himself and just needed help.  But now it seems that he thinks that he doesn’t need to do anything other than ask for someone to give him what is required for him to live.  He seems to think that he can pursue his wants and others will care for his needs,  The grandmother seems to blame the mother for most of the problem yet assigns little blame to the addict.  She thinks that the mother should continue to provide for the son even if the son is unwilling to do little if anything to help himself. 

Examples:  (only two of many)

1. He went through detoxification and rehab for his addiction.  To get out of rehab, he had to have a place to live. He agreed to enter a halfway house so he could get out of rehab. There was a waiting list for admission to the halfway house, so he was allowed to move back in with his mother while waiting.  When it was time to go to the halfway house he said no to going. He said he lied about going to the halfway house so he could get out of rehab. The halfway house would’ve provided for his basic needs such as food and shelter.  But he decided he didn’t want that.  He wanted something else. He apparently wanted to rely on his mother and his grandmother for the things that he could’ve gotten elsewhere through some effort on his part.  Apparently he has no misgivings about relying on family members even when in doing so he is creating hardships for those he is relying upon as long as  he gets what he wants, how he wants it.

2. The man could get a link card (food stamps) and get foodstuffs so that he wouldn’t go hungry.  But, he doesn’t even want to do that.  He won’t, or at least hasn’t, made the effort to fill out the paperwork necessary to get the link card.  Yet, he has his girl friend visiting him in his mothers home and she enjoys the hospitality of his mother just as he does.  This hospitality extends to his friends as well.  His girl friend and other friends stay for days at a time imposing on a hospitality provided by the mother for her son.  The son extends the hospitality (obligation) of his mother and grandmother to include his friends and girlfriend.  He seems to think that he can pursue his wants and others will care for his needs,  The grandmother seems to blame the mother for most of the problem yet assigns little blame to the addict.  She thinks that the mother should continue to provide for the son even if the son is unwilling to do much of anything to help himself.